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A guy I know was staying at a friends house the night of a party. He
drank far too much and had to get to the toilet fairly sharpish. Although
he was in a strange house he knew where the bathroom was and made his
way there. He threw open the bathroom door and threw up exactly where
the toilet was - unfortunately the lid was down.
The Black Death
I wanted to tell ya this story I have. My mates and
I still laugh about this to this day.
We were all drinking at my mate Luke's house (parents were away, yanno,
makin the most of it). The mian crew was myself, with my girlfriends
Jess and Tam, and my male mates, Luke, Clayton, Jarad, and Russell,
and about 6 or 10 other stragglers.
Let me just say that Russell is a little man. and doesn't drink very
much. And what do best mates do when they find a weakness of each other...
Exploit it like mad.
The boys fed Russell so many drinks that the poor boy couldn't even
think of standing without feeling sick, let alone actually do it. All
in all, I remember us having 1 bottle Bundy OP, 1.5 bottles of vodka,
1 bottle of tequila, 2 cartons of beer, 1 bottle of Real McCoy
Burbon, 1 bottle of Jack Daniels, 1 bottle of Cougar, and 1.5 botles
of Jim Beam , and say a case of girlie drinks (that the girls would
have brought between them), 1 bottle of Southern Comfort, and im sure
there would have been a large array of things that were floating around
in the mean time.
Anyhow, he was doing really well considering the drinking torture
the boys had put him through. I love Black Sambuca, so I thought
I'd crack my bottle. The boys looked at each other, and just grinned,
pouring a normal drinking glass full for Russell, and dared him to scull
it. Being male and extremely drunk... he did.
After an hour or two, Russ wasnt coping with the vertigo thing
very well, and was starting to feel rather seedy, so I gave him 2 panadol,
a litre of cold water and guided him into Luke's sisters room (as she
wasnt home for the weekend, and we figured he'd be safe there as it
was close to the toilet in case it was needed)
About 5 am, we hear this scrabbling from bedroom to bathroom, and
the most wicked sounding heave in the world. We all looked at eachother
and went to check on Russ. The poor boy had been sick all in the bedroom....
only problem is, this bedroom is Luke's sisters, and its completely
white, and after drinking Black Sambuca, your vomit turns this lovely
deep violet purple colour.
He managed to spew on the white wall, on the white carpet, in Luke's
sisters clothes drawers, on the matress, all over himself, all over
the pillow and somehow even managed to get some on the roof. I was the
only one who's guts wasnt churning enough to clean it up, but I tell
ya, it look at long time to get the colour and smell out, and I wasnt
feeling so pretty afterwards. But you've gotta do what you've gotta
do, when you've had a party that the parents dont know about, and you
know would lose the plot if they ever found out, but at least nothing
was broken.
Mind you, I couldnt help but laugh... and the others were trying very
hard to stifle their giggles... everyone that was, except for Russ who
was just hoping he wasn't going to die.
To this day, Russ can't stomach the smell of Black Sambuca, but at least
we can laugh about it
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Not in the Fish Bowl!
okay.. so i was at my friends house and my friend decided to
bring out some bacardi. i had never drank before so i took this as a golden opportunity,
by drinking my drink as well as both of my friends while they went to get more
molson. well the last thing i remember is doing a somersault and in the morning
i woke up drenched in sick and for some reason cranberry juice. apparently i got
hungry but couldnt get it in my mouth while i was getting sick. anyways, i got
up to see that my friends fish bowl was gone... confused i asked what happened
and what happened was, i had decided i needed to get sick, so i grabbed the first
thing near me. killed the goddamn fish.
oops i guess :) *
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I Puked and Puked and Puked!
I was travelling home from a birthday party and was almost home when my stomach lurched and I felt puke rumbled in my gut making my head spin. I felt so sick I puked just as soon I opened the car door and fell onto the grass. I puked and puked until I could puke no more, then I came inside and my mom helped me up to the toilet where I puked again. I was sick all night so I slept in the bathroom and most of the time my puke was green with gray chunks and the sight of it only made me puke again.
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The Goodnight Kiss
So I had been out all night partying at a nearby college's frathouse when I met this lovely girl who actually went to the same college as I did. We were flirting for a bit, and we decided to go back to the dorms for a little fun. Yet, she didn't want to leave her drunk friend alone at the party, so I offered to give her friend a ride home as well.
The ride was going pretty well, yet I thought her friend in the back had been a little too quiet. Nonetheless, I was horny, and trying to get on the girl in the front seat while driving. So, at a stoplight we began to kiss a little bit, yet it was suddenly ruined. I weird sounds from the back then felt warm liquid go all over the side of my and the girl I had been kissing's face. It was sick. I freaked out, and opened my door and vomitted all over the street as well. I found out the girl in the front did as well. And if this hadn't been bad enough, as we all finished puking, I looked out of my car to see campus police watching the whole event take progress. They could have arrested us for drunk in public, yet decided to let us go as they were too busy laughing mercilessly at us. I thought I deserved to get off anyway for all the shit I had just gone through.
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The Clam Bake
It was July 5th 1997 when I woke up at 6:00 a.m. with a horrible stomach ache. I attributed it to the clams I had the day before. My buddies
and I had gone to the Lake Tahoe for July 4th and we had an outstanding number of beers and ate clams and some other sea food that my
girlfriend prepared for us.
I figured the stomach ache would go away so I tried to sleep it off but, a few minutes later, my stomach started to churn. It was churning so loudly
that I woke my girlfriend up! She asked me if I was OK and, when I told her what was going on, she rubbed my stomach lightly, as if to comfort me. Her
good intentioned rub set my stomach off like a bomb and it felt ready to explode, so I ran to the bathroom and locked the door behind me. I was
overcome with this uncontrollable urge to puke and shit at the same time so I decided to sit on the toilet and liquid and air started to pour out of my
behind like a firehose! The smell made me want to puke even more so I flushed, turned around, and knelt in front of the toilet.
By this time, my girlfriend was knocking on the door. "Are you OK, honey?". All I could think was "Shut up and go away". I was embarrased because I knew
it would not be long before she got to smell what she had just heard. I focused my attention on the toilet again and all of a sudden, I started to
puke. It was projectile puke, getting all over the toilet and the wall behind it. As I heaved and puked, louder and with more force, the effort
made me shit! I shit my boxer shorts, my legs, the bathroom floor... it was the most disgusting thing that's ever happened to me.
After a few minutes of this, my girlfriend freaking out on the other side of the door and me almost passing out from the dehydration, I decided to get
up and grab a towel to sop everything up. Bad idea, I was dizzy and I slipped on my own vomit/shit and fell on the floor, on top of everything. I
was so disgusted that I threw up again, while laying on the floor sideways.
After a few moments of rest in my own soil, I finally grabbed the towel and layed it over the floor to cover up and soak up everything. I got in the
shower, rinsed off, and opened the bathroom door. My girlfriend was crying. I was so embarrased I should have been the one crying. Anyway, she actually
put me in bed and cleaned up the mess in the bathroom. The puke/shit combination happened a few more times but, this time, I sat on the toilet
and held a trashcan in front.
My advice, never eat clams if they've been prepared by a drunken girlfriend.
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The Prom Nightmare
My best friend in high school was going to the mall with a prom date to help pick out the tuxedo he would wear to the event. Another couple came along. My friend had eaten spaghetti for dinner.
At the mall, her tummy began to hurt and she felt queasy. The tummy ache got worse and worse but she thought she could wait till she got home to puke. Finally, she told her date she didn't feel good and needed to sit down. They sat down on a bench and she proceeded to vomit a huge quantity of red spaghetti everywhere. They then went up the escalator so she could use the bathroom to wash up. On the way down the escalator, she realized she had to puke again. There was a trash can at the bottom, so she went running down the escalator and barely made it. The puke splashed out over the side and went everywhere. They had to make several stops on the way home for her to be sick some more.
She was so embarrassed but amazingly the guy still took her to the prom.
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The Absent-Minded Teen
A few years ago when I was about 16, I went to my 3rd, no parent supervision
party that year. There were all types of drinks there. so being a absentminded
teen, I tried every 14 of them @ least 3 or 4 times! I didn't feel so good later
because I felt kinda dizzy. The room had started to spin, and I thought I was
gonna pass out, so I sat down for a little bit and filled up on food that they
had.
BAD IDEA! 30 to 45 minutes later, I know I was about to puke, so I ran for the
nearest bathroom and wouldn't you know it I completely missed! I sprayed all
over the floor, toilet and walls. After that I got up cleaned up the mess and
went back out to the party. Of course I wasn't the only one pretty shot at that
time. My friend GiGi was the same way, so together we both headed out the door
to my house. The entire way home, my friend and I were holding our stomachs
they hurt so bad! That's when the feeling came back. I ran for the bushes and
puked like hell has never seen before. Seeing this my friend came and joined
me with my Niagara falls of spew. After this we got back up and went home and
slept until about 2:15am when I had the urge to vomit one more time. I'll never
forget how messy the bathroom was -filled with puke ALLLLLLL over. That was
a night I'll never forget.
Never go to a party as an absent-minded teen!
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Karaoke Crooner
We decided to try something different for our office Christmas party this year,
so we went to a Karaoke Bar. It started out innocently enough, with the usual
off key singers and the like. The big mistake was a 1/2 price drinks happy hour
from 8 till 9pm. That really set the stage for the rest of the evening. Billy
from Accounts, who is a little overweight, got talked into doing a rendition
of Meatloaf's 'You took the words right out of my mouth'.
In the second chorus he really went for it and instead of hitting a high C he
hit a high P - he puked on stage, all over the microphone and the first two
rows of people.
That was the end of the evening's entertainment. No one was touching the mike
after that.
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The Early Drinker
One day I was at a party and 3 of my best friends were there (we were 10 @ the
time). There parents had left and it was all of us 15, maybe 16 kids. Well fortunately,
their parents had a liquor cabinet and they had left it opened. My friends were
the only ones who noticed. We were in the kitchen and we took out 12 different
bottles and MIXED THEM ALL!!!!! We drank like 20 of these then went back to
the living room for the party.
By this time we were pretty shot, so we were wobbling all over the place at
the party. Luckily the kids just thought we were making up some wild and crazy
dance. Later on things got a little worse. By this time it was about 11pm and
my friends and I were sick like HELL!!! we were walking home from the party,
when one of my friends started to look a little green. We were all, "are
u okay girl?" and she ran toward some bushes and hurled so VIOLENTLY, the
sound and stench filled the air!!!!
Our friend got back up and told us she was okay. WRONG! she puked again on the
street making a giant multi-colored mess all over the street. BOY, I've never
seen anyone puke like that. Well then my friends went home and so did I. Still
feeling sick, I just went to my bed and slept. By 3 AM I was awoken by the pain,
gurgling, and churning of my alcohol-filled tummy. I got up and ran to the bathroom.
Unfortunately my older sister was in there because she TOO, went to a party
that night. So I ran to my bedroom and hurled all up in my trash can. This lasted
for like about in hour. a
After emptying my tummy, I went back to bed feeling worse than ever. To this
day every time I see alcohol, I start to dry-heave and get an upset stomach.
*the early drinker*
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Doritos Destroyer
Once, I was about 10 years old and I was at home alone. Well seein' how my dad
drinks beer and all those other stuff, I decided that this was opportunity to
try some of it, so I mixed just about all he had and drank up! Well after that
I had about 2 WHOLE bags of Doritos Chips, one being nacho cheese and the other
one ranch.
By this time I still felt fine, until about 30 minutes later. Now I had a slight
nausea sweep over me, but it wasn't so bad so I ignored it. Then all of a sudden
my tummy started to gurgle and churn, so now, I didn't feel so good. This gurgling
and churning lasted for about an hour. I sat on the couch groaning and moaning,
then I knew it was about to fly, so I quickly got up and ran for the bathroom.
I flipped the lights on and PUKED my guts out!!!! All up in the toilet I had
vomited like HELL! My stomach was still sloshing and churning and I still didn't
feel so well, so I thought if I filled up on more food I would be okay. WRONG!!!!!!!
I had filled up on practically everything there was to be eaten.
Suddenly I started to dry heave and then projected vomit all over the damn living
room! I was sooo sick!!!!! By this time I emptied what I had eaten and was just
dry heaving and my stomach was STILL sloshing. That's when my parents came home
and saw me there lying helplessly and groaning and moaning. They asked me what
was wrong and I told them I had just eaten too much. (and that was the truth!)
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The Caring-sharing Vomiter
A friend of a friend was in a club and witnessed a drunk bloke go green and barf into his half empty pint glass. After a few seconds he put it down on a table and walked away.
Here comes the cringey bit....... another bloke, who was having a good time but not seriously drunk, picked up the glass, obviously thinking it was his pint he'd left on the table while he had a boogie, and proceeded to take a slurp.
His face went white, then the projectile vomit started, my friend's, friend decided to leave the club soon after!!!!!
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The Blunt Truth
I was 16 at this time. It was December the 27th and I decided to go to my friend's
house with my cousin for a Christmas party. At that time, I weighted only 140
pounds at 5'10'' so needless to say, It doesn't take a lot of beer to waste
me. I had with me 3 beers and drank em in about 15 minutes.
There, I was beginning to feel woozy but not nauseous or anything. Then me and
my cousin thought it would be a good idea to smoke some pot. So we went to smoke
a blunt (pot in a cigar) so we smoked nearly 2 grams in that. With only 3 beers
in my stomach, I did not feel sick at this point. Now it was time to buy some
more beers. I remember going to the store with my false ID
and I bought 4 more beers. I drank em all in under an hour. Now I was pretty
hammered and being drunk decided to smoke another blunt. BAD IDEA!
Now I can only remember some little points. I stole about 3 beers from some
dude I did not know and drank em all again. Now I had 10 beers in about 2-3
hours with about 3 grams of weed. Now some older guy thought it would be funny
to give me shots of vodka and whisky. My cousin (who had only 4-5 beers) told
me I had 6 shots. Now I only remember that I got out of my
friend's car back at home. I walked to the back door but when I started walking,
I did feel quite weird. I suddenly stopped and began to puke. 10 minutes later,
I stopped and got into my house. I remember my mom and his friend laughing at
me being drunk and sick (I was my first time being sick on alcohol) but still
she was worried a little and took care of me. I went into my bedroom and fell
on my bed. Now I felt some more beer, chips and pizza comin' up, so I took an
empty shopping bag and puked in it. That's funny eh, we cant remember anything
when we are drunk except from our puking sessions. So after that, I thought
It would be great to have a shower. So I went in the shower, sat down and stayed
there for nearly an hour. I then got out and leaned over the toilet to puke
for another hour or so.
I remember my mom giving me fresh water to clean my mouth. Then I *walked* to
my room, puked my last guts into a bucket, fell on my bed and BOOM! Lights out.
When I got up next morning, I was quite ok. No headache but I did not feel like
eating so I drank TONS of water (I did not have any the night before at the
party). At the end of the day, I smoked a joint thinking it would make me eat
and it worked fine.
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Canoe Trip.
I was like 20 something years old, and I went on a
canoe trip with my friends. It was my craziest tour
ever! We followed a river through a famous vineyard in
Hungary and we drank all day, mostly red wine. One day
I met a girl, I asked her whether I could stay in her
tent for the night. She said okay, but since an other
girl slept there, I had to sleep in the middle. Later
that night (after a long day's drinking) I felt like I would throw
up soon, so I told her I needed fresh air. I put the
first half of my sleeping bag out of the tent, and laid
there motionless, hardly able to breathe.
The moment was about to come, but she came out to see if I was okay. The poor
girl was worried about me, so she laid down on my side. She
was looking to my eyes...
That was her luck, as my dinner was on the way, I
could not warn her. She saw the strange look on my
drunk face and did a quick push up. I threw up, and
the package nearly missed her.
She escaped, and hid herself in the tent again. I
woke up next morning with half of my face in my own
vomit.........
I apologized like 100 times next day....
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Free Meal at Denny's
"This here is the true story of an attempt at the free Denny's birthday
meal. This story must be recorded for posterity. All names and locations are
changed to protect the guilty.
Around February 1991, one of
my friends, Greg, we shall call him, was going to celebrate his 21st
birthday. His birthday was on a Wednesday, not usually a party night at our
school. I offered to be his designated driver and jokingly mentioned the
Denny's Free Birthday meal for him after our night on the town. There was a
Denny's in the next town over closer to the interstate. We would meet at a
local party bar at 6:00 and let the partying begin.
Now the deal with Greg was that he had never partied in high school or for
that matter even in his first two years in college.
I hit the bar around 5:30 and Greg showed up around 6:00. I bought Greg
his first legal beer and got one myself. Of course I talked up the bartender about Greg's 21st and soon he
had a free bar shot of something. Pretty soon Greg and I were bullshitting
with the two guys sitting next to us and eating the hell out of the free bar
pretzels. Then the two guys were buying Greg first a mixed drink and then
another beer. We really didn't even really know them even though I think
they thought they knew us but free booze is free booze in my book.
Pretty soon all of us moved to a table and then a girl, Joanna, Greg knew
from a class, happened by with her roommates. Upon learning about Greg's
21st, Joanna bought him another beer while me and the other two dudes
chatted up the roommates.
Around 11:00pm I was worn out with the band noise and Greg was pretty
blasted. Plus Joanna and her roommates had drifted away as had the other two
dudes. I yelled to him that we would leave so we could go get his free
Denny's meal and I would buy my meal, being hungry as hell. We got into my
1985 Dodge Omni and we drove 20 minutes to the other
town to the Denny's. By the time we got there and got out of the car, Greg
was staggering. Now this Denny's, being closer to the interstate in another
town, didn't attract any or very few student types, especially at 11:40pm
during the week. There were a few older folks at the tables and a few
trucker types at the counter so we stuck out a little. The workers out front
were a couple of skinny middle aged waitresses at the counter, the older
matronly waitress who was seating us, and a bus boy who looked like a
homeless man was servicing a closed section of the restaurant.
We went to
get seated in a corner booth and I mentioned the birthday menu. Our waitress
gave Greg the birthday menu and me the regular menu that we spread out on
the table in front of us. I realized Greg didn't look
all that well as he sat there with his face in his hands and elbows propped
up on the table.
I said to him "How you feeling?"
His response " Not too good."
"Need to hit the restroom?"
"No," Greg responded" I just need to sit still for a minute."
At this he looked up from his hands and started to GUSH (with emphasis on
the SH sound) vomit into his hands, through his fingers, onto the menu. A beer and booze smelling, liquid/pretzel slurry
issued from his mouth ... no one in the restaurant would have a reason NOT
to know why he yakked.
"Ow shit "I said as I got up to go to the waitress who was just approaching
to take our order. Seeing the vomiting state Greg was in she yelled at me"
Get him the hell out of here!"
I turned back to the table and caught the look of death from the
busboy/homeless man wiping a table in the closed section of the restaurant.
A flash of realization came to me that I then knew who was going to have to
clean up the vomit which by now had covered most of the graphically
illustrated birthday menu in front of Greg.
By this time, Greg was muttering something about "Being so embarrassed" and
drunkenly attempting to clean up some of the puke with a regular paper table
napkin. I grabbed him by the shoulders and dragged him out of the booth.
Saying " I am so sorry" to all who could hear I steered him down the aisle
to the door all the while he kept saying, "I'm so embarrassed." I heard one
"Son of a Bitch" from one of the gentlemen in the booths but we made it to
the door with the waitress following. She yelled "Don't you come back" as I
poured Greg into the passenger seat of the Omni.
As I gunned the car away from Denny's, Greg was practically crying in
embarrassment about what had just happened. He was wiping off what amazingly
little puke had gotten on his shirt with tissues.
I started to laugh uncontrollably and pounded on the dashboard and the roof
of the car with my right fist as I steered with my left hand. Greg said, "
What the hell is so funny, man. I'm embarrassed as shit about this. What the
hell am I going to do?" I yelled, " You aren't doing anything, Greg. Have
you ever been to that Denny's before? NO! Are you going back there? NO! Were
there any students working there or eating there? NO! Is that Denny's even
in the same town as our school? NO! Greg, that had to
funniest damn thing I have ever seen and experienced and got away with.
You've just performed an awesome end to a 21st birthday."
I let this sink in to Greg's sodden brain a little and all of a sudden he
started to grin, laugh and say "Ohh, Man, Oh, man. Just don't tell anyone we
know." "No, problem." I answered.
I went by the next day after his regular morning class time to see how he
was doing. I found him still in bed at around 11:30am as he had skipped his
three morning classes. He both thanked me and cursed me for the evening
before.
We never partied together again (I wonder why?) though we are still in
contact as close acquaintances even after we graduated.
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Early Birds
One time two other friends and I showed up way to early for a party, as there was no one else there yet minus the host and her best friend. We had just come form the liquor store and had purchased a 40 of vodka. Obviously, our only choice was to sit down and start drinking, right there, at 6 o'clock. So we did shots, passing them around the table to three of us, doing as many as 10 shots each as
I recall.
Anyways, within about a half hour we were all smashed and rolling around the yard. As soon as people started to show up,
I began to feel the nausea.. as did one of my friends, and us being girls not weighing more then 130lbs it was safe to say that we would be barfing soon enough.
I sat on the couch, trying to trick myself into feeling better, when suddenly a huge load of liquidy barf came running up my throat and spewing out of my mouth and nose all over my shirt, I kept most of it in my mouth when I gained enough sense to close it, and then ran to the bathroom-- but did not make it, sadly enough. As
I turned the corner of the bathroom I violently yanked my head around, letting the
projectile vomit spray all over first the door, the walls, then the toilet and the mirror and then back to the door again. I had
successfully coated the four walls of the bathroom in a disgusting coating of liquidy salmon-colored barf. The sink and counter top were filled with barf, and as
I observed the terrible mess I created I could hear the droplets of vomit falling from the countertop and hitting the
linoleum floor.
The funny thing was, what little percentage of puke I actually got into the toilet,
managed to fill it. I have never barfed so much in my life, and plan to never drink like that again. Nonetheless, I felt MUCH better and tried to clean up the hideous mess, but seeing as I was too drunk to even comprehend what I did, I wasn't too successful.
I wandered out and tried to make out with my boyfriend, while covered in puke. He wasn't too impressed with me that night, and I hear that it took a long time for the bathroom to get cleaned up without the cleaner barfing at the sight and smell of all that vomit.
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Moonlight Barf
After a long drive up to Vermont I finally arrived at the home of my friend, Beth, who proceeded to pull out what little liquor she had in the house and pour us some shots. She layered Jaegermeister and Bailey's, which was awful, but she insists to this day is an actual shot. I had about 5 of these awful things.
Our friend who would be driving that night came to pick us up. We got in the car and he sparked a joint immediately. I puffed it gladly as we made our way on the windy winter roads to the bar.
Immediately upon arriving at the bar, I realized that I didn't feel well. I requested a glass of water and asked where I could find the ladies room. I was sure I had to push a log and then I'd feel better. Well. I dropped trou and start to push, when I get this sudden realization that I was in fact going to vomit. I did a quick 180, sunk to my knees and hurled.
Beth comes in a short time later to see what I'm up to. I hear her laughing outside the closed stall while I was stuck in my misery. What the hell is so funny? Well, between bursts of laughter and gasps for air, she manages to tell me that my naked ass is hanging out beneath the bathroom stall door, visible to all passing by. There was actually a group of spectators at the entrance to the ladies room, listening to me wretch while looking at my bare ass.
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Bacardi and Barf
I was once at this kinda upscale party with some of my good friends. One of them
had a house with a downstairs bar for the weekend. We were drinkin' cheap
whiskey and beer when 5 of us decided to do some vodka shots. We were havin'
a fun time until it was our 7th that 1 friend had prepared "especially" for
us.
We downed em all at once and in unison... all 5 of us unloaded onto the
table. The guy who owned the house was pissed and so were we. 3 of us,
covered with vomit, jumped up and started beating up the guy who gave us the
shots. He later told us he gave us bacardi 151 (70%) on top of seasoning
salt.
What a bastard.
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The (NOT) Dream Date
This happened to my best friend after a fraternity formal back in the late 1970s. He had asked a really hot girl from work to the event and was really feeling full of himself, since he was taking such a hot babe to the party. All went well at the formal - his frat brothers were green with envy - and went even better when he got home, because "hot date" wanted sex.
My lucky and quite drunk friend hopped into bed with her and after a little initial foreplay decided to oblige when she indicated she'd like some oral sex. Unfortunately, after a night of drinking, dancing and sweating - things "down there" were a little less than pristine. He made a few swipes at his "appointed task" and suddenly felt the urge to hurl.
Being the ultimate southern gentleman, he leaned over the edge of the bed and barfed on the floor. Hot date was horrified! She leaped out of bed, grabbed her clothes and got dressed on the way to the car. My pal ran down the driveway after her, stark naked, screaming apologies and begging her to forgive him. Needless to say, she refused and wouldn't even talk to him at work. Twenty plus years later, we speculate she's probably had to have a lot of therapy and is a heavy consumer of feminine deodorant sprays!
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Hot Shot
A few years ago I went out with my friend and a girl I was trying to get
together with. We went to a dive bar off the Las Vegas Strip to drink
beer, play pool, and do shots of tequila. One of the shots made me feel
like I was going to puke, but I didn't want the girl to see it, so I
tried to keep my mouth shut, while I discreetly went to the men's room.
However, the vomit came up so fast, and there was so much of it, that I
was unable to keep it in my mouth, and I ended up spewing it right there
in the bar. I was holding a pool cue at the time, ready to take a shot,
and the puke travelled all the way down the cue, dripping off of it like
icicles onto the floor. I went behind the bar and got a mop and bucket
to clean up my mess, but the damage was done - the girl lost any interest
she might have had for me.
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Table Manners
The night we had gotten done with the school year when I was a junior, me and some friends decided to stay at my house to get ripped and look back on the year. I had bought two bottles of cheap whiskey off of my older sister for the occasion. By 12:30 both of them were gone and we were all pretty heavy set. An hour or so later my mom yelled up the hallway to tell us to shut up and go to bed, so we decided to retire for the night. At some point during the night my friend Jake knew he was going to let some fly and told me he was going to the john. I was half asleep and drunk and forgot that the toilet wasn't there because it had broken and we were getting a new one.
The next morning my mom yelled for all of us to come downstairs, not saying why. We rolled out of slumber and I wondered what was wrong. When we got downstairs my mother pointed towards the kitchen, still curious me and my friends walk in. Right there in all it's early nineteenth century glory was our heirloom dining table, covered in puke.
Apparently Jake couldn't find the light in the dash to the bathroom and just let go where to toilet had been (he had been to my house before). Where he puked was a hole about eight inches wide. It had gone straight down onto our kitchen table.
Needless to say my mom was pissed, and she doesn't get pissed easy. Me and my friends spent
a lot of the summer vacation doing yard work around my house to pay to have the table re-finished.
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Laugh it up
The first time my friend ever threw up as a result of alcohol ingestion, we were 15 or 16. We had somehow acquired a litre of cheap vodka, and brought it down to the bottom of my driveway one night to drink it- away from the watchful eyes of my parents. As a chaser, we brought along a couple of 12 oz. juice bottles, as well as a bag of tortilla chips to munch on.
So there we were- smoking butts, playing fetch with my german shepherd (Ulla), and taking bigger and bigger hits off of the vodka bottle, followed by a hearty swig of juice to wash away the rancid potato taste of cheap vodka. Eating the salty chips also made us thirsty, and we very quickly ran out of juice. While I knew that straight vodka with only tortilla chips as a chaser was probably a bad idea, I also knew that going into my house to get more juice in my half-cocked state would be a sure bust. So we proceeded forth, undaunted.
I remember taking what was probably the 2nd or 3rd long swig of straight vodka, unrelieved by juice, washing clumps of chip from my mouth down into my belly. I took a long breath as I felt all the chips in my stomach form into what felt like a ball, and felt that ball bounce around my vodka-filled belly. My mouth began to fill up with spit, and I knew what had to be done. Being at this point already a seasoned puker, I casually stood up on the side of the driveway and leaned over the grass with my hands on my knees in a sort of half-stoop. I waited. My friend, who often made it a point to boast that he'd never drank himself to sickness, found both my stance and my circumstance completely hilarious. As I started to heave, I heard him laughing hysterically- and then listened as that stupid laugh abruptly gave way to the sound of his unbridled retching. While I had maintained some relative form of composure throughout my vomiting, this kid had gone from pointing at me and laughing in a seated position to spastically whipping himself over onto all fours and heaving violently all over the driveway. My gut-wrenching laughter was interrupted only by spontaneous bursts of vomit, as I'd look over my shoulder at this utterly graceless and pathetic form my friend had been reduced to, then would be forced to suddenly turn forward again and hope that this time I wouldn't get it on my shoes.
This scene kept up for probably a minute or so when I suddenly heard my friend's breathless and ill-composed voice: "Ulla! No, no, back! Get back, Ulla!" My dog had begun licking up my buddy's puke off the pavement, which seemed to make him even more ill. I saw him desperately shove my dog's head to the side in an effort to not puke on her as he continued to blow forth the dreaded vodka and chip-chunk spew.
To this day, the images and sounds of that summer evening of my youth brings warmth to my heart and tears to my eyes.
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Boot Polish
When I was a teenager (25 years ago), I went to a party and there was a
bunch of local tough guys there being obnoxious and arrogant. After a few
hours of drinking beer with my friends I felt sick. I left the house to find
a place to vomit, lost control and vomited hard on Tough Guy No. 1's boots.
It took him by surprise, he jumped back and said "What the Fuck". I ran
behind the house and hid under a car. Soon I could here a bunch of guys
looking for me and they were all talking about how they were going to beat
the crap out of me. It was really dark that night and I am convinced that
the Grace of God was with me, because I remember these guys as really
serious brawlers and not the forgiving type. If they had found me I would
have been really hurt. Instead, I fell asleep, came out later and walked
home.
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Get an umbrella!
It was my 13th birthday and I was so psyched. My uncle had bought me tickets to see my favorite concert. I was the only 13 year old among other older teens. People were drinking, smoking and having a blast. I was amazed at what I saw. As we were leaving the concert we had to walk through the aisles to get to the exit. As I walked, with a huge smile on my face "it" hit me. Suddenly like a down pour of rain, someone vomited off one of the balconies all over my head.
I was in shock. As I looked up I saw another shower of warm, orange chunks coming my way. Luckily I was able to miss the falling vomit the second time but the first time really got me good.
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The Centrefold.
Back in the mid 80's, I was at a frat function and was the M.C. for our end
of the semester banquet. I had recently started drinking snakebites-a shot of
Yukon jack with a splash of Rose's lime juice. This night I was ready to
party as my date was a friend of a friend and a knockout.
I mixed an entire
fifth with a rose's lime juice bottle in a pitcher of ice. Chugging all of it
in under three hours, I was reduced to rubble. While seated at an empty
table, she approached and immediately gave me a huge ration of heat. Geez was
she beautiful, standing before me in her fabulous dress. Well, you know how
usually you've got a few seconds from that puking notion until it starts to
rise? I got about a 2 second warning and man was it coming fast!
I grabbed
the first receptacle I could find. My eyes darted to the water goblet. As I
grabbed and leaned forward, the spew spanned about a 12 inch to hit the glass
bulls-eye. And it kept going, in and back out. My vomit threw a full 180
degree turn off the bottom and pegged her, chest to knees. So I laughed,
being hammered. She stormed off and I retreated to an outdoor trash bin to
finish up.
A little sister of my frat came to help and we ended up dating for
over two years. I didn't see the other girl again until a year or so later
she was featured in the girls of DC Playboy spread. Hah!
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Chuck and the Tomato Plant.
I had been eating, drinking and making merry at a cousin's house and
when I left there, I began to start feeling a little, uh, sick. I parked the
car, and opened the gate to go in. About that time, what I had been eating,
drinking, and, etc., decided to exit my stomach, and went all over dad's flower
bed.
One of the things I had been eating was tomatoes, and somehow, one of
the seeds decided to take root and come back up in the flower bed. To this
day, I have never told dad where that tomato plant came from!
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Fido the wonder dog.
After a rather sheltered childhood due to very strict parentage, I was glad
to be invited out to my first real piss up when I started nursing school.
I figured a bottle of wine would be safe as everyone else was drinking
mixers. WRONG!
I made it past my Mom OK and straight up to my room; but
things got dicey when I tried to pass out on my bed. My parents slept
downstairs, right next to the bathroom! I knew if I went to spew in the
bathroom I would be busted, and soon nature took its course and a fountain
of hot vino erupted from the deep. I managed to lean over the side of the
bed, but left the mess on the floor for later.
I remember praying to God
that I could get things cleaned up without my parents finding out; but woke
up in the middle of the night and felt what I figured to be my Mom wiping
my face with a warm wash cloth. Next morning the hard wood floor to the
side of my bed was spotless. I headed down to breakfast with Mom & Dad
ready to face the music, but all were in good spirits except me!
I thought
that my drunken prayer to God had been answered. Then my black Labrador
greeted me, his breath reeking of wine! The only thing I can think of is
that he had not only licked my face clean, but polished up the mess on the
floor too! Now I'm left to wonder the rest of my life; does God really
take care of little children and drunks? Or do dogs just like warm wine!
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Bad Pussy.
After a pub crawl in the city I ventured home on my own on the bus. I kept
restraining myself from chundering, taking deep breaths etc. Then it came up
twice. Still drunk & out of my head I swallowed only forcing it up and out
with a force. I was conveniently sitting with people facing me and I got it
mainly on myself and on the guy opposites bag which was on his lap.
I then
some how made it home and while I was at the doorstep trying to find my key, I threw up again
and hit the cat! Oh poor Jack I thought. But in my defence, I
have cleaned up Jack's yak plenty of times.
My brother mistook my spew for a
knock on the door and let me in. The next day mum complained of cleaning up
the cat's yak on the door step. Thank goodness my friends weren't around to
witness my humiliation especially being a girl n' all.
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Back Seat Driver.
Well, I was in the backseat of a car after an alcohol ridden night of drinking up on the Berkeley Hills. I had already spewed all over the side of the bushes and still felt vomitous. Anyway, the front passenger {mind you, a very fine lookin' lad} oblivious to my condition and unaware of the fact that I had just rolled down my window cause I thought I was going to hurl, well he came out of nowhere and projectile vomited all over my face, being that it was out of the window. Like a dog trying to get a little air. So, not only was I the spew-er but was also the spew-ee. In the mouth, in the hair, you name it, it landed on my upper body region.
So, yes I saw this fine lad again and never have we spoke of 'the incident.'
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New Years Resolution.
Many years ago, I spent a witheringly boring New Years eve at home with my parents. A close friend of mine dropped by around 10 pm with his then-girlfriend to share in the misery. We holed ourselves up in my room with 4 bottles of cheap champagne a bag of Costco chips and about a pound of guacamole and had at it.
Well, I guess my friend got out of the gate a little quick (that, or he seriously front loaded) and got drunk really fast. About 12:30 or 1 we were all pretty wasted. My memory is spotty, but I recall struggling to the toilet for a major puke session, after which I felt much better. I laid down on the floor in front of the sink to recover from my gastric convulsion. Several long minutes later, I was roused from my alcoholic reverie by my friend who was pounding on the bathroom door demanding that I let him in (apparently, I'd inadvertently
locked it). I managed to crawl to the door and open it.
My friend immediately burst through and opened up on my head and neck (I'm still in a supine position, mind you) with about a gallon of the most reeking, bile-colored vomit ever known. A combination of partially-digested Cook's champagne, guacamole and whatever fast food shit the bastard had eaten earlier that day coated my face and poured down the front of my shirt. Unfortunately, my mouth was partially opened as he entered, and I ended up swallowing a goodly amount of the load. I inhaled some through my nose, as well. The taste of the puke set me off again, and I turned my head and puked (rocket-style) in the heater vent. My friend continued on his path of destruction, vomiting on the throw rug, countertop, decorative soaps, 2 walls, hand towels and toilet seat. He didn't get one f**king drop in the water. The place was a f**king disaster area, with fluorescent green vomit virtually everywhere. It stunk worse than any shit, body
odour or rotting organic matter I'd ever smelled.....Just as I'm about to open up on the dude for failing to exercise the slightest self control, he lets loose with another torrent----this time on my bare foot, the cabinetry, partially up my pant leg (I was wearing shorts and, yes, I did get it on my balls) and again on the throw rug.
My parents arrived on the scene after round 2 and found the place a f**king disaster. My dad's not a violent man, but he gave me a thunderous slap that left my right ear ringing for a day. The three of us were made to sleep in my car that evening and perform a Level 4 cleanup on the john the next day (the place was thoroughly encrusted with vomit and smelled like the crotch-skankiest transient on the planet. It wasn't until a few days later that the full extent of the disaster was felt, when my dad fired up the central heating and the whole house was engulfed by the smell the 3-day old face shot I'd taken into the vent. Needless to say, my dad used my face as a speed bag again and billed me the full amount for the Carrier man's visit. This story has been painfully revisited each of the last 14 years at my parents' house during the New Years Day college football marathon.
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The Wrong Side Of The Law.
The first time I got drunk was also also the first time I got arrested. I was at a local school
playground partyin it up w/ my friends. when all of a sudden the cops were
there. We all started to run, I was drunker then most, hence was slower, the
type everybody wants around. So, the coppers nabbed me and put me in their
car. Soon as he started to drive, the motion was too much and I started to
hurl all over myself and the squad car. It was so bad the cop pulled over
and gave me a garbage bag from the trunk.
I then told the cop that I would
save this bag as a memento from my first time being wasted/arrested.
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The Creature From The Black Lagoon.
Once, when I was about 21 years of age, I got terribly drunk on cheap tequila.
While at a friends flat, I started shooting tequila and within hours, I had
ingested all but a pint of the stuff. I had the camcorder out shooting
embarrassing pictures of everyone until they were all very unnerved. then all
of a sudden, vomit came up at lightening speed and all I could do was put my
hand over my mouth, and head for the door. They said my cheek were puffed out
so far, I looked like a woodchuck with a mouthful of acorns.
To pay me back
for my actions, they videoed me all night long blowing oats in several
different places around the outside of the apartment. Finally I laid down in
the bed of a pick-up truck to rest my weary bones, all but to upchuck again
all over myself, and my friends truck. I even crapped my pants this time, so I was really in a world of hurt now.
My friend's wife felt sorry for me and
brought me a damp rag, and a blanket. I soon feel asleep, and woke up the
next day, looking of a total mess, surrounded by little children that thought
that they were seeing the creature from the Black Lagoon. Needless to say, still to this day,
I NEVER, drink tequila.
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A Doomed Romance.
I went out to party with a girl I had just started seeing. We had quite a few drinks and had a pretty good time. At the end of the night we went to get some KFC while we waited for her Mother to come and pick us up.
On the way home the Chicken Nuggets I had eaten decided that they didn't want to stay in my stomach. I tried to lean over my girlfriend to get the window open, but I was too drunk to operate it. I couldn't spew on her, so I turned the other way and hurled ... all over her Mother!!
I forgot to mention that I was sitting in the middle of the front seat. We didn't see too much of each other after that, and it was a long time before I could even drive past a KFC without cringing.
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Tijuana Barf.
I had gone to Mexico with a friend. We drank all the way from Los Angeles to Tijuana, some wine coolers with Tequila on. When we got to the hotel, we
drank some more from the refrigerator in the room. We also smoked some killer weed. Then we went to a night club and continue drinking.
The music was
really loud and the club had one of those psychedelic lamps going around and around. My head started to spin, and I knew I had to go puke, but I couldn't
find the guts to stand up and find the bathroom. All of a sudden, it came in voracious waves. I vomited across the table, into my friend's laps. They had
to drag me out of there, and call a taxi to go back to the hotel. The whole outing lasted just about 45 minutes. The next morning my friend was mad like
hell. I will never forget it.
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A Near Vomit Experience.
Once my husband and I and one of my best friends were very hung over. We had
been driving around looking for a place to eat breakfast but had been
unsuccessful for about an hour, and when we finally found a diner.
I wisely ordered nothing but a lemonade and a small bowl of soup, but my friend
had convinced himself that he was absolutely starving and got a huge omelette, biscuits, juice, coffee, the works. As we were leaving, my husband
was pulling the car out of the parking lot and my friend screamed "Stop! let
me out!!" He leapt out of the car and began trying to hurl onto the parking
lot, making as much noise as possible: "BLLLLAAAAEEEEERRRRGGGHHH!!!
AAAAAAHHHHHRRRGGG!!" etc. But nothing was coming up.
This diner was on a very busy suburban road and it
was Sunday, just about time for church to let out ... all I could think about
was Mr. and Mrs. Upper Middle-class and their snot-headed kids driving along after the
sermon, looking for a place to eat ... "Oh, doesn't this diner look nice.
Wait, what's that man doing?!!?"
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New Carpet Design.
Back in the 80s, being the punkass people we were, we ambled into a liquor store and bought four pints of ultra-cheap Tvarisch vodka from the store's bargain bin. I still lived with my parents, so finding a suitable mixer would be no problem - 2 six-packs of pineapple soda.
I drank the vodka and pineapple soda mixture with a friend until there was no more. Then we started on a large bottle of apple schnapps we also found in the liquor store's bargain bin. From that point on, the only thing I remember was driving home through morning rush hour traffic with one eye closed so I would see just one road. Miraculously, I made it home. I passed out on the floor in my bedroom and hurled in my sleep all over the floor and wall. I woke up 10 hours later, still drunk, with vomit-stiffened hair and a bad case of the munchies.
That vomitus stayed on the carpet for a further year after the fact, so when I moved out all I had to do was vacuum it up, though it did stain the carpet. Easiest retch-fest I've ever had to clean up!
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The Casual Vomit.
I was at a party many years ago when I witnessed for the first time what
became known in my circle of friends as the Casual Vomit . I was in the
bathroom washing my hands when my 6ft tall friend came in. He walked
nonchalantly over to the loo and without bending over at all, inclined his
head towards the bowl and released a perfect, straight stream of vomit into
the loo; soundlessly and elegantly. He then walked out of the bathroom,
casually saying in passing that he felt much better now.
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Blackberry Wine.
In the eighties two of my friends and I went to a heavy metal concert and
got hammered on blackberry wine before going in. Halfway through the show
Eric felt bad and went out to our station wagon. When we made it to the car
after the show we could tell something was really wrong. Apparently Eric had
curled up in the back of our station wagon and passed out. He must have
came too and released that he was on the verge of heaving and tried desperately to get out but
in his drunken state couldn't get out of the locked doors. There was puke all
over the seats, floor, windows, and dashboard. Eric had assumed the foetal
position on the back seat in a pool of his own stomach bile, chunks and
blackberry wine and was sprayed everywhere.
It was a nasty ride home.
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A Happy Ending.
I just remembered an oldie but a goodie (7yrs ago) - I was at a Chinese Restaurant and it was the
Xmas break up day. I had started drinking at lunch time (beer in vast quantities but no
food otherwise you can't fit the beer in). I left there about 6pm to go to dinner with the management and staff from another area - well it was ouzo with the Chinese (not a good combo, especially on top of beer). Anyway I vaguely remember telling one woman how ugly this woman was on another table and she said "that's my sister" ... oooops... well I started feeling a little unwell after these drunks started spinning the lazy-susan around on the table and I had become mesmerised by it, so I've gone the dash for the toilet, but missed the doorway and ended up in the kitchen with my hand clasped over my mouth - the
Chinese cook went spastic at me and chased me out - I only made it to the hand
basin inside the toilet door as there was someone inside the toilet - as I was attempting to get rid of the evidence this woman walked out - it was the woman that I had told how ugly her sister was - well I sure impressed her that night !!!!!!!!! The miracle was that I had enough sense to give my car keys to someone else and then remembered where I'd parked in some multi level car park some 12 hours earlier !!!!!!
Don't you love a happy ending?????????
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Dog Spray
Once when I was only 16 I went to the local pub and my cousin bought me a load of Jim Beams and coke.
I drank them all and felt fine, then I called a taxi and went home. When I got out of the cab I threw up on the nature strip, then on my way to the door I threw up in the rubbish bin. The only thing I remember after that was a friend shaking me saying get up.
I was lying in my chunky vomit soup then I got up and my dog came into my room. I bent down to pat the dog and ended up barfing on her. The poor thing was covered in puke.
The dog shook herself like after a bath and vomit sprayed everywhere! It was all over the walls, the floor and my bed. The smell of it was terrible and I ran and filled the toilet with vomit - I was almost choking while vomiting.
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